Thursday, December 27, 2012

Facebook Page

Just thought I'd let anyone who is following my blog know that I also have a Facebook page.  It features my blog posts, my YouTube videos, motivational pics, and random posts.  I'm working on linking to other weight loss pages on it, too.  So if you are on Facebook, feel free to follow my page on it:

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Not so good food-wise today.

Today wasn't so good.  Ate Ham, stuffing, and gravy for breakfast(was supposed to be our Christmas dinner).  Ham and eggs for lunch.  Then we had chicken nuggets and fries for dinner.  Oh and can't forget the sweets after dinner.  So I was about 1000 calories over what I am to eat daily!  I haven't stepped on the scale in days, since I was working on losing the weight I gained last week.  I was back down to 403#!  I'm sure that I can kiss that goodbye!  I really need to get a hold of my emotional eating!

Christmas was okay.  It was just my husband,  brother, and I.  My brother didn't come downstairs except to bring a box of chocolates he got for Christmas and to eat his Christmas dinner of chicken nuggets and fries.  A couple of friends stopped by with some gifts.  I got a couple of bottles of nail polish and hubby got ten dollars from them.  Things we weren't expecting and now I feel bad for not getting them anything but a card.  Hubby and I buy our Christmas presents whenever and don't even wrap them.  I got The Vow on DVD, two nail polish kits from Walmart and makeup that I ordered off of Amazon.  I don't get out much due to the pain in my knees, so I do 98% of my shopping online.  Hubby got Men In Black 3 on blueray, a 10-inch Android tablet like mine, a case for it, a blue tooth headset, a case for it, and some Cologne.  Then we got a few Xbox 360 games for my brother and he gave us money to buy what we wanted.  Hubby bought a surround sound sound bar with subwoofer, and I got a lighted battery-operated Makeup mirror along with some of the Fructise fall fight hair products.  They had a gift bag with four different products for $10.  Couldn't pass that up as they are about $5 a piece, normally.  I bought it for use when I have my weight loss surgery.  Trying to get a head start on the hair loss!  Already taking Biotin!

I guess I don't get into the Christmas spirit much.  We really had no room to put up a tree and we rarely do because of the cats and dogs.  We give each other our presents before Christmas and don't wrap them.  The only family we have to spend Christmas with is ourselves.  I see pictures of others celebrating Christmas with their families and feel sorry for myself.  I miss my parents.  I am not going to have children, even after I lose weight.  I am not going to deal with a teenager while in my sixties!  So, it'll be this way for the rest of our lives.  We're pretty much excluded from anything our extended family does.  I feel uncomfortable at the gatherings, anyhow.  I'm too fat and my knees hurt too bad to get around and socialize.  Therefore, hubby, bro, and I usually sit alone.  We need to start our own traditions.  Maybe make room for a tree and wrap gifts so we have something to do on Christmas day.

Well, I think hubby is ready for bed and I should get ready, too!  Hope everyone had a great Christmas and has a Happy New Year!  2013 will be my year!  Woot!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Sorry no updates in a while.  Will try to get one in before the new year!  In the meantime, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Friday, December 14, 2012

In a self-pity mood. Skip if you don't want to read about the bad stuff.

I'm at a low point.  I try not to talk about the bad stuff, on here, for some reason.  I don't want to be seen as a drama queen or as if I'm asking for pity.  I hide my true feelings here and on YouTube.  As if many people read this or watch my videos, anyway.

My pain is getting worse, even with the weight loss.  The other night, we went out to eat.  I felt that I could make it without my walker.  I was wrong.  My knee gave out and I fell.  In front of what felt like millions of people, who all had their eyes on me!  The fat woman on the floor, who could not get up without the help of three other people!  My dinner was shot!  Even though I had a salad and a small bowl of cottage cheese, I still felt like everyone was judging me!  Even though most of the people at the restaurant were large themselves!  Some even had their own walkers!  Then I realized that I was judging those people!  I was so jealous of what they were eating!   

1200 calories a day is killing me, but if I eat any more than that I can't lose weight!  I eat a serving of lean meat, veggies, and fruit, for two meals, and a Greek yogurt for another!  I'm supposed to have a cup of soy milk in between meals, but if I did I'd be over my calories!  I can't workout because my knees are killing me!  I believe the pain is worse because I re-injured myself trying to ride our exercise bike!  I'd love to try water aerobics but I cannot afford to, nor can I get to a pool until next summer.  Even then, I can't get in or out of our pool without the aid of two people!  My knees are just that bad and there's nothing they can medically do until I lose weight!  Sure, I take Vicodin, as needed, and an NSAID, daily, but they are not touching the pain, anymore!  I didn't even bother asking for a different pain med when I saw my PCP, because I was afraid that she'd say my body was used to the Vicodin and if I was addicted to that, I'd be addicted to the new one!  I didn't want to risk losing the Vicodin, because I know the pain is worse if I don't take it! 

Neither one of my insurance companies are covering the visits for the medically supervised diet, the surgeon visit, the dietician, and probably not my sleep apnea, as it's all weight-related!  If the PCP orders a test, or I have my birth control shot, they aren't covered because it's during my medically supervised diet, which is weight-related!  The bills are starting to come in and I fear I won't be able to set up a payment plan with the hospital!  Even if I do, they'll probably start wanting the money up front to see the surgeon or the dietician!  Which, I can't afford to do!  I regret going back to school and am even starting to regret starting this weight loss surgery journey!  Thing is, if I don't go forward, I'll never be able to pay back the student loans or the appointments for the surgery!  Then I'd be out a degree and still fat as a cow!  I won't even get into how school is going!  That's a whole other entry in itself!

I've decided to go with the vertical sleeve gastrectomy, despite the warnings I've been given that I won't lose all the weight I need to.  The surgeon's staff has assured me that I could do it!  All except the psychiatrist, anyhow!  I have talked to people who have lost 200 - 300 pounds after having the VSG.  It can be done!  I'd be thankful to get down to 200 pounds after the surgery, just because I was comfortable at 235!  I could move, I could drive, I could go out and have a life at that weight!  I also want to lose the majority of the weight before I graduate in early 2014!  If I wait to be eligible for the RNY, I might not do that.  That and I couldn't afford it!  Weight loss is expensive even if I weren't going for surgery!  Healthy food is not cheap!  Ever notice how the crappy frozen meals that don't even fill you up are cheaper than the lean cuisine, weight watchers, and now atkins ones?  Someone out there secretly wants us to be fat!  Mrs. Obama, look into why it's so expensive to buy the lower calorie, lower carb, and basically healthier food than the food that is bad for us, please?  Okay, I shouldn't get political here.  Some people on Facebook read this and God forbid if this sparks a political debate!  Especially when the main topic isn't politics!  Oh and a great big F-U if that even happens!

Okay, I'm getting off my soap box now!  I got the remains of Garfield back today.  My brother picked them up for me.  He brought them into the bedroom for me to see, and I instantly started bawling!  I know I need to get over it, but in my own time, I will!  Let me have that time, please?  The remains were in a plastic container, with his name on them, then those were inside a velvet bag that said, "Until we meet again, at the rainbow bridge."  They, the place that cremated him, also gave me an envelope that had the Rainbow Bridge poem inside of it.  How sweet of them! 

BTW, I know I should be happy about it and I was until I fell that night, I lost 10 more pounds since I last saw my PCP.  That makes 18 pounds I've lost since I first started seeing her, and 14 since I saw the surgeon.  I have a little more than 18 pounds to go until I can think of having the surgery!  I'm hoping to lose it by February and have the surgery in March!  At least I hope so!  If you made it through this entry, thank you for reading!  I <3 you!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Pre-op appointments are done!

I found out the results of my sleep study the other day.  I have obstructive sleep apnea and am not getting enough oxygen when I sleep.  This is because my fat is getting in the way when I lay down.  I'm waiting to have a blood gas test done before I can start using a Bipap machine.  Once that is done, I will get my machine, and have an oxygen study done the first night I use it.  Basically they'll come in and hook my finger up to a monitor overnight.  This will record my oxygen levels.  The doctor wants this done because if they give me too much oxygen while sleeping, I could start having apneas due to shock.
I also met with the dietician this past week.  She put me on a 1200 calorie diet plan, with low-carbs and low-fat.  So far it is working out as I have not cheated since I started.  I had been watching my calories prior to this, but was getting around 1600 calories in a day.  This turned out to be too much because of my activity level.  I basically have one serving of lean protein, one serving of vegetables and one of fruit for every meal.  For "snacks" I have a glass of soy milk, as I am lactose-intolerant.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Loss of a Family Member

My oldest kitty, Garfield, passed away late this morning or early afternoon.  I was at my appointment with the dietician and we came home to find he had passed away!  R.I.P. Garfield, Mommy loves and misses you!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Scale Said What?!?

It said I'm up to 431#, which is only one pound down from when I saw the surgeon!  I just hope it's water weight, because we had just finished eating and I drank a bunch of water.  That or Tuesday and Wednesday caught up with me.  I know I'm doing horrible with my food choices, but I haven't been over my calorie range of 1300 calories a day by more than 100 calories since Wednesday.  I need to cut back more and definitely follow a low-carb plan!