Friday, December 14, 2012

In a self-pity mood. Skip if you don't want to read about the bad stuff.

I'm at a low point.  I try not to talk about the bad stuff, on here, for some reason.  I don't want to be seen as a drama queen or as if I'm asking for pity.  I hide my true feelings here and on YouTube.  As if many people read this or watch my videos, anyway.

My pain is getting worse, even with the weight loss.  The other night, we went out to eat.  I felt that I could make it without my walker.  I was wrong.  My knee gave out and I fell.  In front of what felt like millions of people, who all had their eyes on me!  The fat woman on the floor, who could not get up without the help of three other people!  My dinner was shot!  Even though I had a salad and a small bowl of cottage cheese, I still felt like everyone was judging me!  Even though most of the people at the restaurant were large themselves!  Some even had their own walkers!  Then I realized that I was judging those people!  I was so jealous of what they were eating!   

1200 calories a day is killing me, but if I eat any more than that I can't lose weight!  I eat a serving of lean meat, veggies, and fruit, for two meals, and a Greek yogurt for another!  I'm supposed to have a cup of soy milk in between meals, but if I did I'd be over my calories!  I can't workout because my knees are killing me!  I believe the pain is worse because I re-injured myself trying to ride our exercise bike!  I'd love to try water aerobics but I cannot afford to, nor can I get to a pool until next summer.  Even then, I can't get in or out of our pool without the aid of two people!  My knees are just that bad and there's nothing they can medically do until I lose weight!  Sure, I take Vicodin, as needed, and an NSAID, daily, but they are not touching the pain, anymore!  I didn't even bother asking for a different pain med when I saw my PCP, because I was afraid that she'd say my body was used to the Vicodin and if I was addicted to that, I'd be addicted to the new one!  I didn't want to risk losing the Vicodin, because I know the pain is worse if I don't take it! 

Neither one of my insurance companies are covering the visits for the medically supervised diet, the surgeon visit, the dietician, and probably not my sleep apnea, as it's all weight-related!  If the PCP orders a test, or I have my birth control shot, they aren't covered because it's during my medically supervised diet, which is weight-related!  The bills are starting to come in and I fear I won't be able to set up a payment plan with the hospital!  Even if I do, they'll probably start wanting the money up front to see the surgeon or the dietician!  Which, I can't afford to do!  I regret going back to school and am even starting to regret starting this weight loss surgery journey!  Thing is, if I don't go forward, I'll never be able to pay back the student loans or the appointments for the surgery!  Then I'd be out a degree and still fat as a cow!  I won't even get into how school is going!  That's a whole other entry in itself!

I've decided to go with the vertical sleeve gastrectomy, despite the warnings I've been given that I won't lose all the weight I need to.  The surgeon's staff has assured me that I could do it!  All except the psychiatrist, anyhow!  I have talked to people who have lost 200 - 300 pounds after having the VSG.  It can be done!  I'd be thankful to get down to 200 pounds after the surgery, just because I was comfortable at 235!  I could move, I could drive, I could go out and have a life at that weight!  I also want to lose the majority of the weight before I graduate in early 2014!  If I wait to be eligible for the RNY, I might not do that.  That and I couldn't afford it!  Weight loss is expensive even if I weren't going for surgery!  Healthy food is not cheap!  Ever notice how the crappy frozen meals that don't even fill you up are cheaper than the lean cuisine, weight watchers, and now atkins ones?  Someone out there secretly wants us to be fat!  Mrs. Obama, look into why it's so expensive to buy the lower calorie, lower carb, and basically healthier food than the food that is bad for us, please?  Okay, I shouldn't get political here.  Some people on Facebook read this and God forbid if this sparks a political debate!  Especially when the main topic isn't politics!  Oh and a great big F-U if that even happens!

Okay, I'm getting off my soap box now!  I got the remains of Garfield back today.  My brother picked them up for me.  He brought them into the bedroom for me to see, and I instantly started bawling!  I know I need to get over it, but in my own time, I will!  Let me have that time, please?  The remains were in a plastic container, with his name on them, then those were inside a velvet bag that said, "Until we meet again, at the rainbow bridge."  They, the place that cremated him, also gave me an envelope that had the Rainbow Bridge poem inside of it.  How sweet of them! 

BTW, I know I should be happy about it and I was until I fell that night, I lost 10 more pounds since I last saw my PCP.  That makes 18 pounds I've lost since I first started seeing her, and 14 since I saw the surgeon.  I have a little more than 18 pounds to go until I can think of having the surgery!  I'm hoping to lose it by February and have the surgery in March!  At least I hope so!  If you made it through this entry, thank you for reading!  I <3 you!